Different Level of Desire For Sex

Men and Women Are Different

Research tells us that in general men think about sex more often than women. Generally speaking, men have higher sex drives and enjoy more variety. There is a biological reason for this. The chemical responsible for the differences in sexual desire is testosterone, and men have 20-40 times more testosterone than women. Also key is the fact that testosterone levels in men stay at fairly constant levels throughout their life.

However testosterone levels in women are dramatically affected by their monthly period and also by childbearing. Women’s levels of estrogen also fluctuate over their monthly menstrual cycle, and this also affects desire. A woman's sex drive is much more complicated than a man's, and can change dramatically over the month.

Research also indicates that women have different motivations for sex. Whilst men's drive is often physical, women may also want sex as a way of expressing intimacy or pleasing a partner. In most cultures, females are taught to be more passive and inhibited about sexual activities. Girls are much more likely than boys to be taught to avoid sexual activities, and there is still more stigma attached to females expressing their sexuality. Other common causes of low levels of sexual desire include stress, depression, alcohol or drug problems and low levels of thyroid and testosterone.

Sex and Changes in Desire

In the early days of a relationship both men and women tend to have much higher sex drives. Evolutionary psychologists believe this is important for 'pair bonding' - building a strong connection between the two parties. But over time the sex drive falls, and this is particularly common in women. This is often confusing for both men and women. Men can feel betrayed and rejected by their partner, and often fear that their partners ‘lack of desire for sex’ indicates problems in their relationships. Women too can wonder if this means that they don't love their partner as much as they used to. In reality these changes in desire are just part of the natural course of events in many relationships.

Differences in Desire - Making It Work

There is no 'right' number of times that you should have sex in a relationship. Whether you would like to have sex every day, or once a fortnight you are normal. If you have different desires than your partner then ‘compromise and negotiation’ are the solution. Many couples find they slip into a negative pattern, where the partner with the higher libido is regularly asking for sex and being rejected. The person with the lower libido can also slip into the habit of avoiding physical contact unless they are in the mood for sex because they are frightened that it will give off the wrong signals. Open and honest communication is very important, so that your partner will not feel they are being rejected. Your partner needs to know what you are thinking, and what you like and what you don't like.

Even if you are not going to have sex, it's really important that you continue to be affectionate and sensual. When you commit to creating a tender, loving environment, sex is more likely to happen naturally. Some couples agree 'sex free' days so they know they can fully enjoy being close knowing it won't lead to sex.

Further Help

If a difference in desire continues to cause problems in your relationship then you can make an appointment to see a sex therapist at the HK Sexual Health Centre. Our therapist will work with you and your partner to help you to build a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.